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I Hate Shopping For Pants
Jan. 2nd, 2006 04:11 pmMom and Dad gave me a giftcard for Eddie Bauer for Christmas, which I thought would be great for getting some clothes to wear to work, since they carry lots of khakis there, and all.
Can I just start this story out by saying that I fucking hate shopping for pants? I fucking hate shopping for pants.
See, here's the thing... My waist is thirty-three inches around. My hips are forty-four. I'm five feet, five inches tall, and I weigh somewhere between 145 and 155 pounds, most of the time.
Apparently, I am the only person in the history of the world who is shaped like this. If I find a pair of pants that's loose enough for my hips and thighs, it's way too big in the waist, and baggy and silly-looking below the knee (and I don't have skinny calves!). If I find a pair of pants that fits my waist reasonably well and that I can actually pull up over my hips, it's usually made out of that godforsaken "stretch" material. Which means that it's, like, designed to make my thighs look even more huge than they actually are. My favorite thing about pants that have been "enhanced" with spandex or whatever-the-fuck is the way the front pockets make cute little half-moon shaped lines at the tops of my thighs. Thanks a bunch, pant designers of the world.
The other fun thing about pants, beyond Visible Pocket Lines, and the apparent belief on the part of the designers that hips are a myth, is the actual location of the waistband on your body once you've got the pants on. You get two choices - so low that you don't dare bend over to tie your shoes, or somewhere up around your rib cage. And if you're trying to buy khaki pants in a size twelve, no matter which of these you choose, you're about guaranteed to have space for a baby or two in the "rise" area. Big, baggy folds of fabric below my waistline and just above my thighs, which are proudly sporting those trendy Pocket Lines, is just what I need to complete my oh-so-fashionable look!
You can probably guess by now that I didn't manage to buy any actual pants, today.
I tried on something like a dozen pair, in all manner of fancy cuts that are named after cities in California or some shit. I burst into tears in two different dressing rooms. And then I left the mall with two new skirts - skirts avoid the hip-waist ratio problem, for the most part, see - and about a thousand pairs of tights and knee-socks. Skirts and boots, it is!
Can I get through a season of working at a law office without wearing slacks once? Let's find out!
Can I just start this story out by saying that I fucking hate shopping for pants? I fucking hate shopping for pants.
See, here's the thing... My waist is thirty-three inches around. My hips are forty-four. I'm five feet, five inches tall, and I weigh somewhere between 145 and 155 pounds, most of the time.
Apparently, I am the only person in the history of the world who is shaped like this. If I find a pair of pants that's loose enough for my hips and thighs, it's way too big in the waist, and baggy and silly-looking below the knee (and I don't have skinny calves!). If I find a pair of pants that fits my waist reasonably well and that I can actually pull up over my hips, it's usually made out of that godforsaken "stretch" material. Which means that it's, like, designed to make my thighs look even more huge than they actually are. My favorite thing about pants that have been "enhanced" with spandex or whatever-the-fuck is the way the front pockets make cute little half-moon shaped lines at the tops of my thighs. Thanks a bunch, pant designers of the world.
The other fun thing about pants, beyond Visible Pocket Lines, and the apparent belief on the part of the designers that hips are a myth, is the actual location of the waistband on your body once you've got the pants on. You get two choices - so low that you don't dare bend over to tie your shoes, or somewhere up around your rib cage. And if you're trying to buy khaki pants in a size twelve, no matter which of these you choose, you're about guaranteed to have space for a baby or two in the "rise" area. Big, baggy folds of fabric below my waistline and just above my thighs, which are proudly sporting those trendy Pocket Lines, is just what I need to complete my oh-so-fashionable look!
You can probably guess by now that I didn't manage to buy any actual pants, today.
I tried on something like a dozen pair, in all manner of fancy cuts that are named after cities in California or some shit. I burst into tears in two different dressing rooms. And then I left the mall with two new skirts - skirts avoid the hip-waist ratio problem, for the most part, see - and about a thousand pairs of tights and knee-socks. Skirts and boots, it is!
Can I get through a season of working at a law office without wearing slacks once? Let's find out!
