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I've got a weird etiquette issue. This has actually happened to me a several times, now, and I never know quite how to react. Here's how it goes (told in second person form, for extra fun!):
1. You "meet" someone interesting on lj, and after some kind of pleasant exchange of posts or comments, you friend each other.
2. You start to get to know them, and it's all very nice, and you feel very friendly towards them, and presume that they feel similarly towards you.
3. They disappear for a while. It might be an announced disappearance - "I'm gonna be busy doing ___ for six months!" - or maybe they just vanish.
4. When they come back, they drop you from their flist, with no indication of why.
4b. They may, at that time, friendslock their entire journal, and don't seem to be planning on ever making a public post again.
This process always leaves me with my feelings slightly bruised (I know, I know... Unfriending between adults shouldn't be a source of drama! It's very silly and immature of me to care whether or not someone keeps me on their reading list and/or their "allowed to read me" list, but there it is) and a lot of questions. I worry about this person that I had started to consider a friend and who has abruptly cut off contact. I wonder whether they'd mind if I keep reading their journal (assuming any part of it is public) - I mean, maybe they find me genuinely objectionable, now! I have no idea! More pettily, I wonder whether I'll miss out on any possible future public posts of interest if I defriend them in a retaliatory huff. ;-)
So I kinda dither around about it every time a post of theirs pops up on my flist, or every time I happen to glance at my profile and see their name still in my "friends" list, but not my "friend of" list, wondering whether I should keep them friended, try to contact them and see what's up, just defriend them and be done with it, etc., etc.
When I started typing this, I was gonna ask for advice on what would be the most polite thing to do. But now that I've written it, I realise that that's silly. Each situation is so different - there can never be one perfectly right, polite response. All I can do is keep hovering around it like I have been, and make my individual choices.
But I guess what I want to do is give a little advice. If you're going to be doing this thing that I've talked about, for whatever reason (and there are good reasons to do it, I'm sure!) - would you please consider making a post that will answer some of your bewildered former flister's questions? I mean, no need to go into details. I think personal life drama is the number one reason why people suddenly change the way they LJ, and I suspect that if that's the case, those people don't want to be talking about it. But a simple "I'm going friends-only. If I've dropped you from my flist, it's because I feel I don't know you well enough. No hard feelings." or "I took a bunch of people off my flist today because I realised I was filtering their journals. Sorry!" or "I'm not into __ fandom anymore. It's been fun! Goodbye." or, y'know, something.
Or not. You know, whatever. I'm probably the only person in the world who actually gets anxious about this stuff, anyway. But I really do worry, and wonder, when one of you disappears, or chooses to drop contact with me, however it happens (you people who haven't updated in months - are you ok? I miss you!). And I guess I just like to have, y'know... Closure.
1. You "meet" someone interesting on lj, and after some kind of pleasant exchange of posts or comments, you friend each other.
2. You start to get to know them, and it's all very nice, and you feel very friendly towards them, and presume that they feel similarly towards you.
3. They disappear for a while. It might be an announced disappearance - "I'm gonna be busy doing ___ for six months!" - or maybe they just vanish.
4. When they come back, they drop you from their flist, with no indication of why.
4b. They may, at that time, friendslock their entire journal, and don't seem to be planning on ever making a public post again.
This process always leaves me with my feelings slightly bruised (I know, I know... Unfriending between adults shouldn't be a source of drama! It's very silly and immature of me to care whether or not someone keeps me on their reading list and/or their "allowed to read me" list, but there it is) and a lot of questions. I worry about this person that I had started to consider a friend and who has abruptly cut off contact. I wonder whether they'd mind if I keep reading their journal (assuming any part of it is public) - I mean, maybe they find me genuinely objectionable, now! I have no idea! More pettily, I wonder whether I'll miss out on any possible future public posts of interest if I defriend them in a retaliatory huff. ;-)
So I kinda dither around about it every time a post of theirs pops up on my flist, or every time I happen to glance at my profile and see their name still in my "friends" list, but not my "friend of" list, wondering whether I should keep them friended, try to contact them and see what's up, just defriend them and be done with it, etc., etc.
When I started typing this, I was gonna ask for advice on what would be the most polite thing to do. But now that I've written it, I realise that that's silly. Each situation is so different - there can never be one perfectly right, polite response. All I can do is keep hovering around it like I have been, and make my individual choices.
But I guess what I want to do is give a little advice. If you're going to be doing this thing that I've talked about, for whatever reason (and there are good reasons to do it, I'm sure!) - would you please consider making a post that will answer some of your bewildered former flister's questions? I mean, no need to go into details. I think personal life drama is the number one reason why people suddenly change the way they LJ, and I suspect that if that's the case, those people don't want to be talking about it. But a simple "I'm going friends-only. If I've dropped you from my flist, it's because I feel I don't know you well enough. No hard feelings." or "I took a bunch of people off my flist today because I realised I was filtering their journals. Sorry!" or "I'm not into __ fandom anymore. It's been fun! Goodbye." or, y'know, something.
Or not. You know, whatever. I'm probably the only person in the world who actually gets anxious about this stuff, anyway. But I really do worry, and wonder, when one of you disappears, or chooses to drop contact with me, however it happens (you people who haven't updated in months - are you ok? I miss you!). And I guess I just like to have, y'know... Closure.
